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623   South  wabajh  Ave.  CHICAGO 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'   CLUB 


A  COMIC  ENTERTAINMENT 


BY 

MARIE  BUTTERFIELD 


CHICAGO 

T.  S.  DENISON  &  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 

• 

Miss  LUELLA  MATILDA  PRIMROSE,  President  of  the  club. 

Miss  SUSAN  JANE  HOPEWELL,  Vice-President. 

Miss  MARIA  JANE  HOPEWELL,  Treasurer. 

Miss  SALLIE  BROWN,  Secretary. 

Miss  DORA  DOOLITTLE,  who  knits  slippers. 

Miss  FAITH  SNOWMORE,  who  does  crocheting. 

Miss  JULIA  JONES,  very  demure. 

Miss  MAUD  HOPEWORTH,  with  the  "Janice  Meredith" 
curl. 

Miss  MARY  ELIZABETH  SMITH,  who  wears  corkscrew 
curls. 

Miss  VIOLA  LONGFELLOW,  who  pets  a  cat;  a  man  hater. 

Miss  LUCRETIA  DE  WITT,  who  does  embroidery. 

Miss  MARTHA  WEINHAUBER,  German  spinster  with  ac- 
cent. 

Miss  LUCY  ROSEBUD,  who  carries  a  bunch  of  flowers. 

Miss  BETSY  BOBINKT,  old  maid  from  the  country,  with 
slat  bonnet. 

YOUNG  LADY    in  white,  double  of  LUELLA. 

YOUNG  LADY   in  blue,  double  of  DORA. 

MR.  TOMMY  DOOLITTLE,  Assistant  Treasurer  of  the  club, 
and  "the  pet." 

MR.  PHILLIP  ANDREW  JAMES,  newspaper  reporter,  with 
magic  berries. 


TIME  OF  PLAY — About  One  and  One-half  Hours. 


NOTE — If  the  entertainment  is  longer  than  desired  it  can 
be  easily  shortened  by  omitting  some  of  the  songs  and  reci- 
tations. This  will  require  but  slight  change  in  the  lines  and 
will  be  of  no  detriment  to  the  play. 


Copyright,  1903,  by  T.  S.  DKNISON 

2  MAI)!'.  IN  U.  S.  A. 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 


PROPERTIES. 

Journal  with  big  red  heart  hanging  as  a  bookmark  for 
roll  call.  Matrimonial  journals.  Large  bag  of  candy  gum 
drops,  pen  and  ink  and  old-fashioned  candlestick  on  Presi- 
dent's desk.  Pen,  ink,  paper,  etc.,  on  reporter's  desk.  News- 
paper from  which  Phillip  reads  quotation.  Phillip  takes 
notes  most  of  the  time.  Cat  for  Viola.  Large  book  for 
secretary.  Tin  box  with  money  for  assistant  secretary.  Big 
bouquet  of  grasses  or  flowers  to  be  thrown  to  Maud. 


SCENE  PLOT. 


Door 


O         O         O 
Chairs  for  Old  Maids 
O         O         O 


Secty.O 


*-Dar 


Red  hearts  on  a  string  in  front  of  stage,  also  decorate 
stage  with  red  hearts.  At  back  of  stage  place  three  large 
banners,  or  mottoes,  LOVE,  MATRIMONY,  HEAVEN,  printed 
in  immense  letters.  These  banners  should  be  hung  high 
in  plain  view  of  audience.  The  dark  room  can  be  arranged 
by  the  use  of  a  curtain. 


2055234 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 


COSTUMES. 

LUELLA. — Stout,  dark  hair,  parted  in  the  middle,  old' 
fashioned  style,  wears  red  rose  in  hair,  prim  white  lace  col- 
lar, old-fashioned  breast  pin.  This  is  the  leading  role,  and  a 
pompous-looking  woman  should  have  this  part. 

SUSAN. — Blonde,  waving  hair,  parted  in  middle,  dressed 
in  lavender,  big  shoulder  scarf  of  white  handkerchief,  lilacs 
in  hair,  cameo  ear  rings  and  pin.  Slender,  dainty  person 
for  character. 

MARIA. — Brown-haired  type,  old-fashioned  green  dress 
trimmed  profusely  in  yellow  with  yellow  rose  in  hair,  car- 
ries big  chatelaine  bag. 

LUCY. — Old-fashioned  pink  dress  with  many  ruffles  and 
frills,  wears  wreath  of  pink  roses  in  hair,  carries  a  book  of 
poetry.  Very  shy  and  sentimental,  always  smiling  shyly. 

DORA. — Pale  blue  dress,  corkscrew  curls,  long  neck  chain 
or  string  of  beads,  carries  gay  colored  handbag  with  men's 
slippers  in  it,  knits  at  them  all  the  time. 

SALLIE. — Brown  dress,  big  poke  bonnet  trimmed  pro- 
fusely in  gay  flowers. 

FAITH. — Dressed  in  white,  big  poke  bonnet  trimmed  in 
red  roses,  wears  coquettish  bows  on  sleeves  of  red  ribbons, 
large  handbag  of  red  with  crocheting,  knits  all  the  time. 

JULIA. — Dressed  in  pale  blue,  old-fashioned  big  lace  col- 
lar, wears  a  big  bunch  of  feorget-me-nots,  very  demure. 

MAUD. — Dressed  in  yellow,  trimmed  in  black,  old-fash- 
ioned black  sash,  bows  of  ribbon  in  hair,  Janice  Meredith 
curl. 

LUCRETIA. — Dressed  in  bright  blue,  blue  bows  in  hair, 
white  lace  collar,  big  bag  of  white  with  embroidery  materials, 
does  embroidery. 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  5 

MARY. — Dressed  in  royal  purple,  dark  hair,  corkscrew 
curls,  wears  fancy  headdress  of  white  lace,  carries  handbag, 
does  embroidery. 

VIOLA. — Very  tall,  dressed  in  black  and  white,  big  old- 
fashioned  sleeves,  pink  flowers  in  hair,  has  a  pet  cat  in  lap, 
strokes  it  and  pets  it  all  the  time. 

MARTHA. — Fat  blonde,  German  type,  dressed  in  blue, 
wears  wooden  shoes,  white  apron,  white  collar,  and  knits 
lace  all  the  time. 

BETSEY. — Dressed  in  a  plain  dark  blue  calico  dress,  big 
white  apron,  wears  an  old-fashioned  slat  bonnet,  carries  a 
big  umbrella,  an  old-style  handbag. 

YOUNG  LADY. — In  white,  with  a  rose  in  her  hair,  double 
of  the  President,  after  the  magic  berry. 

YOUNG  LADY — In  pale  blue,  double  of  Dora  Doolittle, 
after  the  magic  berry. 

TOMMY. — Very  slender,  boyish  young  man,  dressed  in 
very  proper  black  clothes,  black  tie,  carries  a  small  ledger 
and  a  tin  box  with  the  funds  of  the  club  in  it. 

PHILLIP. — Newspaper  reporter,  with  wonderful  magical 
berries ;  small  young  man,  dressed  in  big  plaid  clothes. 

NOTE. — It  is  not  necessary  to  follow  exactly  the  costumes 
as  described.  Have  them  look  as  old-maidish  and  grotesque 
«s  possible,  which  will  add  greatly  to  the  fun. 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 


SCENE. — A  stage  with  fifteen  chairs  placed  as  in  the  dia- 
gram, one  large  and  prominent  chair  for  the  PRESIDENT, 
and  four  grouped  near  her  for  the  VICE-PRESIDENT,  TREAS- 
URER, SECRETARY  and  ASSISTANT  TREASURER.  A  large  table 
in  front  of  the  PRESIDENT'S  chair  with  record  books,  matri- 
monial journals,  a  gavel,  a  big  bag  of  candy  gum  drops,  pen 
and  ink  and  an  old-fashioned  candlestick. 

LUELLA  discovered  seated  in  President's  chair  primping 
her  curls. 

LUELLA.  Why,  land  sakes,  what  under  the  shining  sun 
is  the  matter  with  the  ladies  of  "The  Old  Maids'  Club"  to- 
night? I  do  declare!  They  have  no  children  to  dress  or 
husbands  to  dress.  Mercy  me,  what  a  blunder !  Of  course 
women  who  are  lucky  enough  to  have  husbands  ought  to 
be  glad  to  dr — .  (Puts  her  hand  over  her  mouth.}  Well, 
I'll  swan,  no  one  here  yet;  why  it  is  only  a  half  hour  until 
the  club  meets  and  not  a  single,  solitary  soul  here  but  me. 
It  is  no  wonder  they  are  old  maids  if  they  have  been  behind 
time  all  their  lives.  That  is  one  fault  I  will  never  have  laid 
at  my  door.  I  once  had  a  beau.  Dear  me,  what  fond  memo- 
ries it  does  recall!  (Takes  out  her  handkerchief.}  When  I 
was  expecting  him  I  always  got  on  my  best  bib  and  tucker 
two  solid  hours  before  he  was  coming,  so  I  could  compose 
myself.  It  is  so  exciting  to  have  a  man  paying  one  atten- 
tion. Dear  me,  I  lost  him ;  killed  the  poor  thing  with  kind- 
ness. Oh,  it  was  sad  fate.  (Takes  handkerchief,  puts  to 
eyes  and  weeps,  sobs  and  shakes  all  over  in  great  sorrow.} 

Enter  TOMMY. 

TOMMY  (looks  into  her  eyes  tenderly.}  What  are  you 
crying  about  ? 

6 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  7 

LUELLA.     About  an  old  lover   who  died. 

TOMMY  (patting  her  on  the  shoulder  very  effusively}. 
Never  mind,  my  dear  Miss  Primrose,  perhaps  you  can  find 
your  ideal  yet. 

LUELLA.     Do  you  really  think  there  is  hope  ? 

TOMMY.  As  long  as  there  are  men  there  is  hope.  (  Takes 
seat. ) 

Enter  SUSAN,  primping  her  hair. 

SUSAN.  Why,  how  do  you  do,  Mr.  Doolittle  (smirks 
and  grins  at  him}.  I  am  so  charmed  to  see  you  here  tonight. 
(Turns  and  bows  very  indifferently  to  President.  To 
TOMMY. )  So  glad  I  came  early,  Mr.  Doolittle;  it  always 
makes  me  so  happy  to  talk  to  you.  Something  here  thrills 
me.  (Puts  hand  over  heart.  Takes  seat.  TOMMY  twists  his 
thumbs,  is  confused.) 

Enter  MARIA,  carrying    a    chatelaine    bag    and    fidgeting 

nervously. 

MARIA  (in' a  loud  screaming  voice).  Why  didn't  you 
wait  for  me  ?  You  know  I  never  can  get  this  dress  buttoned 
up  the  back,  Susan  Jane ! 

SUSAN.  It  was  late  enough.  I  wanted  to  get  here  before 
all  the  men  got  here. 

MARIA  (boms  effusively  to  TOMMY,  looks  at  him  ten- 
derly). So  delighted  to  see  you,  my  dear  Mr.  Doolittle. 
(Goes  to  him,  takes  a  big  stick  of  candy  out  of  her  chate- 
laine bag  and  puts  it  in  his  mouth.  He  smacks  his  lips. 
MARIA  takes  seat.) 

Enter  DORA,  carrying  an  immense  bag,  with  a  man's  slipper 
hanging  over  the  top,  yarn  and  needles  sticking  out. 

DORA  (to  TOMMY).  Now,  brother  (very  tenderly), 
Tommy,  don't  frown  at  poor  me,  for  you  know  I  can  never 
be  idle  a  single  minute,  and  these  slippers  must  be  done  to- 
morrow— or  the  day  after  that — or  the  day  after  that. 
(Greets  the  President.  As  she  bows  she  drops  skein  of 
yarn,  gets  all  tangled  up  in  it,  stumbles,  clutches  franti- 
cally at  the  dress  of  another  old  maid,  yells  furiously.} 


8  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

Help!  Help!  (Old  maids  run  to  her  exclaiming:  "Are 
you  hurt,  dear?"  TOMMY  never  moves.) 

LUELLA.  My  poor  child,  I  hope  you  have  not  dislocated 
some  limb. 

DORA.  No,  I  think  not.  My  ankle  turns  so  sometimes. 
Dear  me,  would  it  not  be  a  serious  calamity  if  it  should  turn 
when  a  man  proposed?  (Old  maids  help  her  to  her  seat 
and  go  to  theirs. ) 

TOMMY.  Why  will  you  bring  that  infernal  knitting  to 
the  club?  Why  don't  you  let  it  take  a  rest? 

Enter  SALLIE  with  her  knitting.     A  yarn  sock  drops  to  the 

floor  and  a  ball  of  yarn  rolls  on  the  floor.     TOMMY  is 

over-polite  in  picking  it  up. 

SALLIE  (smiles  at  him  lovingly}.  Thank  you,  you  are 
such  a  dear !  (  Takes  seat.) 

DORA.  Yes,  brothers  can  be  very  polite  to  someone  else's 
sister ! 

Enter  FAITH  carrying  a  big  red  bag  with  crocheting. 

FAITH.  How  glad  I  am  to  see  you,  Mr.  Doolittle  (shakes 
his  hand  vigorously.  Greets  President  coldly.  Takes  seat.) 

Enter  JULIA,  very  demure,  greets  the  President  timidly, 
bows  shyly  to  TOMMY,  sits  down  in  a  meek  manner. 

Enter  MAUD,  panting. 

MAUD.  Dear  me,  my  darling  parrot  was  so  sick  I  thought 
sure  I  could  not  come.  Poor  Polly,  she  was  so  pale,  and 
could  not  say,  "Polly  wants  a  cracker."  (Shakes  hands  with 
TOMMY,  then  with  the  President,  toys  with  her  curls  and 
looks  at  Tommy,  takes  seat.) 

Enter   LUCRKTIA,    carries   embroidery,    drops   her  spool   of 

silk,  TOMMY  runs  to  pick  it  up,  stumbles,  falls  down. 

.Ill  the  old  maids  run  to  help  him  up,  one  holds 

his  head,  one  grabs  his  hand  and  one  his  foot. 

LUCRKTIA  (stoops  over  him  and  fans  him).  The  poor 
dear!  (After  great  commotion,  they  help  TOMMY  up  and 
take  him  to  hi-s  seal.  .Ill  take  seats.) 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  9 

Enter  MARY,  carries  quaint  handbag. 

MARY.  How  do  you  do  tonight,  Mr.  Doolittle?  Madam 
President.  (Takes  seat.} 

Enter  VIOLA,  carrying  a  cat. 

VIOLA.  I  could  not  leave  my  precious  cat  at  home  all 
evening,  for  kitty  would  be  so  lonesome.  Isn't  she  a  "dear"? 
(Greets  President,  hardly  notices  TOMMY.) 

Enter  MARTHA,  carries  a  big  bunch  of  cotton  lace.    LUCY 
enters  with  her,  and  sits  without  speaking. 

MARTHA.  Good  efening,  ladies  unt  chentlemens.  (Takes 
seat.} 

Enter  PHILLIP  in  a  great  hurry,  big  tablet  under  arm. 

PHILLIP.  Good  evening  my  dear  ladies  of  the  Old 
Maids'  Club.  I  had  to  miss  a  big  political  speech  to  be 
present  with  you  all  this  evening.  Women  are  always  more 
sympathetic  than  men.  I  love  the  women,  one  and  all. 
Heaven  bless  'em.  (Sits  down  at  table,  takes  out  pencil 
and  begins  to  write.  Old  maids  gaze  at  him  very  tenderly. 
Some  exclaim,  "So  handsome!"  "So  brilliant!"  "So  inter- 
esting!"} 

LUKLLA  (stands  up,  adjusts  her  curls,  pounds  on  the  ta- 
ble with  gavel).  Order,  order!  Miss  Longfellow,  it  will  be 
better  if  you  let  the  cat  stay  in  the  vestibule  during  the  meet- 
ing of  the  club. 

VIOLA.     Oh,  please  let  her  stay  with  me.    She  is  so  good. 

LUELLA.  Of  course,  you  know  it  is  against  the  rules,  but 
if  she  does  not  mew  in  public  we  can  not  object,  can  we? 
(Old  maids  say,  "No,  let  the  cat  stay,''  with  great  pomp  and 
pride.}  Ladies  of  the  club  and  gentlemen  (makes  low  bow 
to  the  men)  :  The  Old  Maid's  Club  has  met  here  tonight  in 
open  session,  so  that  the  men  of  this  community  could  come 
and  be  like  one  of  us,  and  we  are  overjoyed  to  have  the 
presence  of  these  estimable  gentlemen,  but  we  deplore  the 
fact  that  the  other  men  want  to  pass  the  "sweets  of  life" 
by  without  even  coming  to  taste  of  our  sweetness.  We  are 
fond  of  men  (Old  maids  murmur,  "Yes,  indeed  we  are."} 


10  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

Man  is  an  ornament  which  adorns  an  office,  a  home  or  a 
plow,  and  adds  grace  to  a  threshing  machine;  he  is  one  of 
God's  noblest  creations.  (Applause.)  Every  woman  under 
the  shining  sun  worships  and  adores  some  man,  unless  by 
chance  she  is  a  spinster — then  she  adores  all  men.  (Old 
maids  jump  up,  clap  their  hands,  mad  applause,  PRESIDENT 
has  to  wait  and  finally  pounds  on  the  table  for  order. )  We 
have  belonged  to  this  club  for  nine  years ;  most  of  us  were 
charter  members,  were  we  not?  (All  answer  "yes.")  Dur- 
ing this  time,  one  of  our  beloved  members  has  passed  away 
of  a  breach  of  promise  suit  and  a  broken  heart.  Poor 
thing!  And  one  noble  member  has  been  joined  in  the  holy 
bonds  of  matrimony  through  the  kind  offices  of  a  matrimo- 
nial journal.  The  Heart  and  Hand  was  the  name  of  this 
interesting  journal,  was  it  not?  (Refers  to  one  of  the 
magazines  on  the  table.)  Her  mission  called  her  to  western 
Montana.  We  are  now  just  thirteen,  and  while  I  believe 
in  the  efficacy  of  that  number,  some  of  the  club  members 
are  superstitious  about  it.  (All  shake  their  heads.)  I  hope 
for  good  returns  before  another  year,  for  a  man  has  been  to 
see  me  twice  this  year,  and  I  think  he  has  symptoms  of 
proposing.  (Old  maids  say,  "I  wonder  who  it  is?")  I 
believe  that  the  Old  Maids'  Club  is  a  great  benefit  to  any 
community,  and  we  ought  to  have  one  in  every  county  in  the 
state.  Then  we  would  show  the  old  bachelors  the  folly 
of  their  ways.  But,  my  dear  sisters,  as  long  as  there  is  life 
there  is  hope,  so  let  us  keep  our  eyes  "peeled"  in  the  future, 
and  be  even  more  diligent  than  we  have  in  the  past,  and 
when  there  is  a  man  in  sight,  hang  on  with  a  death  grip, 
for  a  faint  heart  never  won  a  man ;  oh,  never,  never.  I  be- 
lieve in  keeping  a  brave  heart,  and  they  say  that  all  things 
come  to  those  who  try ;  so  I  say  try.  And  I  firmly  believe 
that  the  Fates  will  bring  us,  even  if  it  be  late  in  life,  a  man. 
(Loud  applause.)  As  I  call  the  roll,  will  each  sister  in  an- 
swer to  her  name  give  me  some  quotation,  either  original  or 
from  some  author  who  said  wise  things  about  love  and 
matrimony.  (Reads  from  a  big  book,  which  has  a  red 
heart  hanging  out  as  a  bookmark.) 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  11 

DORA  (rises,  making  a  jerky  bozv). 

"Roses  and  lilies,  lilacs  and  rue, 
I  want  a  husband  faithful  and  true." 

(Sits  down.) 

SALLIE  (rises).  Thackeray  says:  "Any  woman  can  win 
any  man  she  desires  if  she  is  not  humpbacked."  I  always 
was  as  straight  as  an  arrow.  (Sits  down.  Applause.) 

FAITH  (rises). 

"Love  rules  the  court,  the  camp,  the  grove, 

And  men  below  and  saints  above ; 

For  love  is  Heaven,  and  Heaven  is  love." 

(Sits  down.) 
JULIA  (rises). 

I  love  him  at  morn  and  I  love  him  at  noon, 
I'll  love  him  till  death  lest  I  am  undone. 

(Sits  down.) 
MAUD  (rises). 

Oh,  give  me  a  man,  be  he  fat  or  lean, 
Just  so  he  is  honest  and  his  face  is  clean. 

(Sits  down.) 
MARY  (rises). 

I  want  a  husband,  and  I  want  one  bad, 
If  I  don't  get  one,  my  life  will  be  sad. 

(Sits  down.) 
VIOLA  (rises,  stroking  her  cat). 

A  husband  I  need,  be  he  young  or  old, 
Be  he  handsome  or  homely,  I  do  not  care ; 
He  need  not  have  riches  so  his  heart  is  gold, 
If  he'll  only  love  me  I  won't  despair. 

(Sits  down.) 


1?  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

MARTHA  (rises). 

"Py  luff  are  plest  der  Gots  on  high, 
Vrail  mon  pecomes  ine  deety, 

Und  luff  mit  him  is  giffen ; 
Tiss  luff  dot  makes  der  Heaffens  shine, 
Mit  hues  more  radients,  more  difine, 

Und  turns  der  eart  to  Heaffen.' 

(She  drops  her  lace  and  PHILLIP  runs  to  pick  it  up. 
TOMMY  does  the  same.  They  bump  their  heads  and  get  the 
thread  all  in  a  tangle  and  wound  around  them.  They  start 
to  uvestle.  All  the  old  maids  help.  Finally  they  get  the 
thread  untangled.) 

TOMMY  (wipes  his  face  in  excitement).  I  tell  you,  my 
dear  friend,  I  thought  my  time  had  come.  Is  my  hair  all 
mussed  up  ?  Is  my  tie  on  straight  ?  (  DORA  fixes  his  tie  and 
LUELLA  smooths  his  hair.) 

LUELLA  (back  to  chair).    Order!    (All  take  seats.) 

LUCY  (rises). 

"Gather  the  rosebuds  while  ye  may, 

Old  Time  is  still  a-flying, 
And  this  flower  that  smiles  today, 

Tomorrow  will  be  dying." 
(Sits  down.) 

SUSAN    (rises  and  glances  at  TOMMY   in  a  sentimental 
fashion).    "A  man  to  me  a  kingdom  is."     (Sits  down.) 
LUCRETIA  (rises).    Longfellow  said: 

"As  unto  the  bow  the  cord  is, 

So  unto  the  man  is  woman, 

Though  she  bends  him,  she  obeys  him, 

Though  she  draws  him,  yet  she  follows. 

Useless  each  without  the  other!" 

(Sits  down.     Long  and  loud  applause.     Exclamations  of 
"How  true.") 

MARIA  (rises).  "It  is  not  good  for  man  to  live  alone." 
(Sits  doivn  Applause.) 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  13 

LUELLA.  Ladies  of  the  Club :  Allow  me  to  congratulate 
you  on  the  happy  thoughts  you  have  imparted  in  your 
verses;  it  is  another  evidence  of  your  interest  in  our  club 
work,  and  it  convinces  me  more  and  more  that  your  one 
absorbing  thought  and  aim  in  life  is  to  get  married.  Mr. 
Kipling  has  not  been  known  as  a  lover  of  our  fair  sex,  but 
I  will  forgive  him  for  all  the  mean  things  he  has  written 
about  us  now,  for  I  found  in  one  of  his  books  my  senti- 
ments. Do  you  not  think  if  we  could  find  a  man  like  this 
that  we  would  have  happiness  as  thick  as  cold  molasses  in 
the  winter  time?  (Reads  in  a  sentimental  fashion,  with 
great  flourish  at  the  end.} 

"He  must  be  a  man  of  decent  height, 

He  must  be  a  man  of  weight, 
He  must  come  home  on  Saturday  night, 

In  a  thoroughly  sober  state ; 
He  must  know  how  to  love  me, 

He  must  know  how  to  kiss, 
And  if  he's  enough  to  keep  us  both 

I  can't  refuse  him  bliss." 

(Long  and  loud  applause.) 

TOMMY.  Madam  President,  I  wish  I  could  be  your  ideal, 
only  I  do  not  weigh  enough,  I  fear. 

LUELLA.  Oh,  thank  you,  my  dear  Mr.  Doolittle;  that  is 
an  obstacle  which  you  might  overcome.  (Smiles  lovingly.) 

VIOLA  (furiously).  Ladies  of  the  club,  I  think  this  love- 
making  is  perfectly  scandalous.  Right  before  our  eyes ! 
Why,  the  rest  of  us  never  have  a  chance  when  the  President 
has  the  floor. 

LUELLA.  Order,  order!  (Pounds  on  the  table  with  the 
gavel.)  I  was  nominated  President  of  this  club,  and  if  T 
can  get  a  man  interested  in  me  that  is  my  business.  Sit 
down  and  pet  your  cat,  Miss  Viola  Longfellow.  (Pounds 
on  the  table.)  Will  the  Secretary  read  the  itemized  account 
of  the  year's  expenditures? 

SALLIE  (reads  from  a  big  book).  Ladies,  it  seems  we 
have  been  very  extravagant  during  the  year,  and  I  always 


14  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

said  it  was  ridiculous  to  spend  so  much  on  sending  flowers 
to  sick  men;  better  feed  the  well  ones.     (Reads.} 

Cash  received  for  club  dues $65.00 

Disbursements — 

Matrimonial  journals    for  one  year 19.00 

Candy  hearts,  for  one  year 7.25 

Perfume  and  face  powder,  for  one  year 5.50 

Flowers  for  widowers  and  bachelors,  for  one  year.  . .  10.00 

Light  and  fuel,  for  one  year 4.50 

Love  powders,  for  one  year 5.00 

Charms  .  2.00 


Total  $53.25 

This  leaves  us  $11.75  m  t^6  treasury.  Is  that  right,  Mr. 
Doolittle?  TOMMY  (opens  tin  box,  counts  money}.  No, 
there  is  one  dollar  short. 

VIOLA  (jumps  up  in  a  rage}.  Yes,  that  is  the  man  of  it. 
I  know  there  is  a  mistake.  Why  should  man  always  have 
the  counting  of  the  money  ?  Let  the  women  attend  to  that ! 

LUELLA  (pounds  on  the  table  with  gavel}.  Order!  Or- 
der !  Mr.  Doolittle  is  a  gentleman  whose  integrity  has 
never  been  questioned.  If  he  says  there  is  only  $10.75  in 
that  box  I  believe  it.  Will  the  secretary  please  pass  the  gum 
drops  to  sweeten  up  our  tempers  a  bit?  (SALLIE  passes  a 
bag  of  gum  drops.  VIOLA  takes  a  big  handful,  gives  one  to 
the  cat.} 

PHILLIP.  Madam  President  and  Ladies  of  the  Club :  I 
noted  in  your  expense  account  that  the  largest  expense  for 
the  year  was  for  Matrimonial  Journals,  and  I  want  to  call 
your  attention  to  an  interesting  item  in  The  Leader.  (Name 
any  local  paper.  Pulls  out  paper  and  reads  this  extract]  : 
"Mr.  John  Atwell  of  (name  local  town}  'and  Miss  Malinda 
Johnson  of  (name  local  town}  were  married  on  Wednesday 
of  last  week.  The  marriage  is  the  direct  result  of  Mr.  At- 
well advertising  in  The  Leader  for  a  wife.  He  is  now  hap- 
pily married  to  a  nice  Christian  lady,  with  80  acres  of  land 
and  other  property.  So  you  see  it  pays  to  advertise  in  this 
paper  even  for  a  wife.  The  Leader  proposes — 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  15 

DORA  (jumps  up  tvith  her  hand  to  her  ear.}  Who's 
*hat,  that  is  a-proposin'? 

TOMMY.  Oh,  sit  down,  sister.  I'll  remember  and  give 
you  the  information  when  we  get  home. 

DORA.  But  if  there  is  any  proposin'  goin'  on  I  want 
to  know  where  I  am  at.  (Froivns  and  flops  down  mad.) 

PHILLIP.  Ladies,  with  your  kind  permission  I  will  pro- 
ceed to  tell  you  how  you  all  can  get  husbands. 

LUELLA  (pounding  vigorously  for  order}.  Ladies,  for 
mercy  sakes  do  let  us  be  as  quiet  as  mice. 

PHILLIP.  The  Leader  proposes  to  start  a  Matrimonial 
Bureau.  Any  lady  or  gentleman  desiring  to  find  a  partner 
to  share  life's  burdens  may  insert  their  ad.  in  The  Leader. 
If  we  fail  to  find  a  mate  we  charge  you  nothing.  If  through 
the  ad.  we  find  you  a  husband  or  a  wife,  as  the  case  may 
be,  we  charge  you  the  small  sum  of  $2.50.  Come,  ladies,  you 
know  it  is  a  poor  husband  that  is  not  worth  over  $2.50,  even 
if  he  does  look  like  "30  cents."  Men,  you  all  know  that 
woman — lovely  woman — is  a  priceless  treasure.  There  is 
no  use  of  living  a  life  of  single  wretchedness  when  The 
Leader  can  get  you  spliced  for  $2.50.  Who  will  be  the 
first  to  orfer? 

MARTHA,  (jumps  up).  I  vill  pe.  Vy,  I  vod  gif  one  fife 
dollar  node  right  und  de  sphot  for  und  huspand.  (Pulls 
out  the  money,  gives  it  to  PHILLIP.) 

PHILLIP  (puts  the  money  in  his  pocket).     Thanks. 

LUCY.  I  don't  think  I  would  begrudge  paying  $2.50  for 
a  good,  honest  husband,  but  I  would  not  wrant  to  risk 
more.  (Hands  PHILLIP  the  money.) 

DORA.  Why,  a  man  would  marry  me  in  a  minute  if  he 
knew  what  comfortablest  slippers  I  can  knit. 

TOMMY.  Don't  make  a  fool  of  yourself  over  those  "dod 
gasted"  slippers.  I  have  slippers  at  breakfast,  slippers  for 
dinner  and  slippers  for  supper.  God  help  the  man  you  ever 
get! 

DORA.  Now,  Tommy,  you  know  you  wore  out  six  pairs 
of  slippers  last  year,  and  mother  'lowed  no  sister  was  kinder 
to  you  than  your  sister.  (Begins  to  weep.} 


Iti  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

TOMMY.  Now  you  are  trying  to  make  these  ladies  be- 
lieve I  am  a  hard-hearted  old  wretch,  when  I  am  not. 
Why,  I  could  not  kill  a  sparrow. 

LUELLA.  Never  mind,  my  dear  Mr.  Doolittle.  We  al! 
know  you  could  not  kill  a  poor  little  sparrow  and  that  your 
heart  is  as  tender  as  a  lettuce  leaf  in  springtime.  (Goes  to 
him,  pats  him  on  the  shoulder.} 

LUELLA  (returns  to  chair,  pounds  for  order}.  Now 
Miss  Maud  Hopeworth,  who  is  one  of  our  promising 
poetesses,  will  entertain  us  with  one  of  her  original  poems. 

MAUD  (comes  to  the  front  and  makes  a  bow  clear  down 
/-:)  the  floor,  adjusts  her  curl,  and  reads  carefully,  accent- 
ing the  name  at  the  end  of  each  stanza}. 

THE   PEACH. 

There  are  pears  and  apples  and  plums,  you  see, 
And  some  grow  ripe  on  a  pretty  high  tree ; 
But  this  dear  little  "peach,"  which  I  tell  you  about, 
Plays  the  violin,  or  organ,  till  church  is  out. 
Sometimes  he  plays  high  and  sometimes  he  plays  low, 
But  whatever  he  plays  he  never  plays  "slow," 
For  he  is  a  "peach"  that  don't  grow  on  a  tree, 
And  his  hair  is  black,  and  his  name  is  -       — ie. 
(Any  name  ending  with  ie,  as  in  Charlie  or  Georgie.} 

He  can  make  love  very  much  like  a  sweet  honey-bee, 

And  he  is  very  bewitching,  this  dear  -       — ie. 

He  is  gay  and  as  light  as  a  humming  bird, 

And  he'll  tell  you  a  tale  you  never  heard, 

And  he'll  win  your  heart  with  his  violin, 

And  break  it — and  try  it  over  again ; 

For  he  is  a  "peach"  that  don't  grow  on  a  tree, 

And  he  is  very  bewitching — this  dear ie, 

No  one  could  accuse  him  of  being  a  flirt; 

No,  no !  for  that  would  his  feelings  hurt. 

But  don't  be  serious  when  he  is  around, 

For  he's  fickle,  they  say,  clear  down  to  the  ground ; 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  17 

If  he  makes  love  to  you,  you  make  love  to  him, 
For  loving  has  never  been  counted  a  sin. 
But  he  never  was  serious,  this  "peach,"  don't  you  see: 
He's  a  gay  little  fellow,  this  dear  -        — ie. 

(Great  applause.     MAUD  takes  scat.) 

(After  this  poem  an  absurdly  big  bouquet  of  grasses  or 

hair  flowers  slwuld  be  throzvn  at  her  by  a 

young  man  in  the  audience.} 

PHILLIP.  Miss  Hopeworth,  could  I  have  permission  to 
publish  your  poem  in  the  (name  local  paper)  ? 

VIOLA.     I  object.     I  don't  think  that  he  is  a  peach. 

LUELLA.  All  who  are  willing  to  have  this  poem  pub- 
lished stand  up.  (All  stand  but  VIOLA.)  Then,  Mr.  James 
can  have  the  poem,  as  the  majority  rules,  Sister  Long- 
fellow. Now,  our  honored  vice-president,  Miss  Susan 
Jane  Hopewell,  one  of  our  members  known  all  over  the 
country  for  her  clever  literary  efforts,  will  favor  us  with  a 
discourse  on  that  vital  question  Love. 

SUSAN  (comes  to  front  and  makes  a  very  lo-iv  bow  and 
reads) . 

LOVE. 

Love  is  the  biggest  invisible  quadruped  that  the  world 
has  ever  known  before  or  since  Noah's  ark.  It  is  a  monster 
that  takes  possession  of  people  from  the  age  of  3  to  103, 
and  the  older  they  are  the  worse  effect  it  has  on  its  victims. 
A  child  of  3  acts  no  worse  than  a  woman  of  60  (or  a  man, 
for  the  matter  of  that),  when  bitten  by  this  monster,  this 
beautiful  monster  of  love.  I  have  never  in  my  life  met  a 
person  who,  if  you  would  pin  him  or  her  down  to  cold, 
hard  facts,  would  not  confess  to  having  been  in  love  at 
least  once,  and  sometimes  many  times  in  his  or  her  life. 
If  there  is  anyone  present  who  has  ever  known  a  single  per- 
son who  has  not  been  in  love,  I  will  pause  to  let  them 
stand  up.  (Pauses.) 

VIOLA  (jumps  up.  holding  her  cat  up  by  her  face).  I 
have  never  been  in  love 


1*  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

SUSAN.     Well,  my  dear,  you  are  a  curiosity. 

LUELLA.  We  all  feel  that  the  monster  left  his  sting  on 
you,  or  you  would  not  be  such  a  rabid  man-hater. 

VIOLA.  I  will  just  take  my  precious  cat  and  go  home, 
you  horrid  thing.  (Begins  to  cry;  starts  to  go.  Great 
commotion  in  the  club.  Someone  says,  "If  she  goes,  I 
will.") 

LUELLA.  Will  the  secretary  pass  the  gum  drops  ?  (  SAL- 
LIE  passes  candy.  VIOLA  gives  the  cat  one;  sits  doivn 
again.}  Will  Miss  Hopewell  continue? 

SUSAN.  Love  I  have  likened  unto  a  monster,  but  it  is 
the  most  contradictory  of  all  the  human  passions.  It 
brightens  the  eyes,  quickens  the  step,  sweetens  the  temper, 
and  makes  a  person  patient  and  long-suffering ;  it  makes 
the  homely  more  bearable  and  the  beautiful  more  beauteous ; 
it  enhances  youth  and  makes  old  age  less  sour.  Love  is  the 
steam  engine  which  moves  the  whole  universe.  Take  an 
old  man  and  let  him  fall  in  love  with  a  maiden  of  sixteen ; 
why,  he  acts  just  like  an  old  sewing  machine  oiled  up;  he 
runs  along  as  good  as  new.  (Mad  applause.}  On  the 
other  hand,  take  an  elderly  dame  of  sixty  and  let  her  fall 
in  love  with  a  young  man  of  twenty,  she  will  friz  her  hair, 
drop  her  knitting  and  wear  high-heeled  shoes  and  salmon 
pink  and  baby  blue,  and  get  so  kittenish  that  all  the  family 
have  to  watch  her  on  moonlight  nights  to  keep  her  from 
playing  Juliet  and  eloping  and  spoiling  an  old  and  respected 
family  pedigree.  Oh,  love  is  such  a  vast  subject.  It 
has  been  written  about  since  before  the  building  of  the 
pyramids  in  Egypt,  and  every  writer  under  the  sun  tries  to 
say  something  new  about  it.  Love  affects  folks  somewhat 
like  smallpox — it  always  leaves  its  mark.  Love  is  the  in- 
ventor of  sighs,  of  smiles,  of  tears  and  laughter.  Why,  we 
would  have  another  ocean  if  all  the  tears  shed  for  love's 
sweet  sake  were  gathered  together  in  one  body  of  water ; 
it  would  be  salt  water,  too.  And  if  all  the  smiles  could 
be  made  into  one,  it  would  be  a  grin  reaching  clear  round 
the  world  and  a  piece  of  a  smile  left  over.  In  fact,  love  is 
Heaven  and  Hades  mixed  up  and  compounded  and  double 
Compounded.  This  sweet  emotion  is  the  paradise  of  the 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  19 

soul ;  it  is  the  fire  that  sheds  its  glow  over  all  the  world  and 
beautifies  it.  Love  beats  all  the  Madame  Wale's  recipes 
in  the  world  as  a  beautifier.  It  is  worth  more  than  wigs,  or 
face  powder,  or  false  teeth,  or  hair  dye,  or  silk,  or  diamonds. 
In  fact,  love  is  a  regular  bonanza ;  it  is  a  financial  gold  mine ; 
it  is  the  motor  that  pays  the  rent,  runs  the  house  like  an 
automobile,  and  pays  the  butcher,  the  baker  and  the  candle- 
stick maker.  Love  beats  everything  else  about  a  thousand 
miles,  and  it  is  my  advice — go  and  get  in  love.  Oh,  love! 
love  and  love !  Thy  name  even  is  sweeter  than  honey  or 
clover  blossoms.  Go,  my  dear  sisters  of  the  club,  and  fall 
in  love ;  hypnotize  a  man  by  your  very  thoughts,  for  love 
begets  love.  Lavish  your  attention  on  cats  or  dogs  or  chil- 
dren (for  practice),  but  I  say  there  is  nothing  so  worthy 
under  the  shining  sun  as  a  man.  Go  and  love  one  and  see 
if  I  have  not  told  you  the  honest  tr-uth.  (Takes  seat.  Mad 
and  long  applause  from  the  old  maids.) 

LUELLA.  Miss  Dora  Doolittle  has  promised  to  render 
us  one  of  her  songs,  and  I  am  sure  the  club  will  appreciate 
her  singing.  (See  music  on  page  31.  Should  be  acccoin- 
panicd  on  the  organ  or  piano.) 

DORA  (goes  to  front,  bows  and  sings). 

AND  THEN  I   HOPED  ON 

There  was  a  man  who  made  love  to  me, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
He  was  just  as  sweet  as  he  ever  could  be, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
He  had  hands  like  a  girl,  and  my  heart  was  awhirl, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
My  cheeks  were  like  roses,  my  teeth  were  like  pearl, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 

We  cooed  at  the  gate  'till  it  grew  very  late, 

And  then  I  hoped*  on. 
I  angled  quite  well  with  a  sweet  little  bait, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 


20  THE  OLD  MAIDS'   CLUB. 

He  kissed  me  one  night  'neath  the  old  apple  tree, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
His  kisses  were  just  as  sweet  as  they  could  be, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 

One  fair  summer's  day  he  took  a  short  ride, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
He  never  returned  to  make  me  his  bride, 

And  then  I  hoped  on. 
He  married  a  girl  in  another  citie, 

And  then  I  h-o-p-e-d  on. 
They  are  as  wretched  as  wretched  can  be, 

And  yet  I  hope  on. 

(Takes  seat.     Loud  applause.) 

DORA  (returns,  makes  a  bow).  I  am  very  sorry,  but  that 
is  all  there  ever  was  to  my  hopes,  or  I  would  sing  you  an- 
other verse.  (Drops  slippers  in  getting  to  her  seat.) 

TOMMY.  You  certainly  are  making  a  show  of  yourself 
to-night,  Dora.  If  mother  could  see  you  now. 

DORA.  Yes,  you  never  think  your  own  sister  does  any- 
thing cute.  It  is  always  someone  else's  sister. 

LUELLA.  We  all  adore  you,  Mr.  Doolittle,  and  of  course 
you  are  right.  Dora  has  had  quite  a  time  this  evening  with 
her  knitting,  and  we  will  be  glad  to  have  her  leave  it  at 
home  the  next  club  meeting. 

DORA.  I  will  not  come,  then,  for  I  won't  go  anywhere 
that  I  cannot  make  slippers.  Making  slippers  is  the  one 
joy  of  my  life. 

TOMMY.  Sit  down  and  shut  up  about  those  slippers,  OK  I 
will  burn  up  every  pair  on  the  farm  when  I  go  home. 

DORA.  I  won't.  I  will  talk  if  I  want  to;  that  is  why 
God  gave  me  a  tongue. 

LUELLA  (pounds  for  order).  The  secretary  will  now  get 
a  report  on  the  eligible  men  of  (name  local  tozvn). 

S  \LLIE.  Will  the  president  report  her  experience  with 
Mr.  (name  someone  in  the  tozvn)  ? 

LUELLA.  He  called  several  times,  and  one  night  in  the 
twilight  told  me  that  he  could  look  into  my  eyes  and  feel 
that  he  was  understood.  (Great  commotion  and  all  the  old 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  21 

maids  jump  up  and  yell  in  angry  tones,  ''That  is  just  what 
he  said  to  me.")  Well,  I  do  declare!  I'll  just  blue-pencil 
that  man. 

SALLIE.  Miss  Martha  Weinhauber,  report  what  Mr. 

said  to  you. 

MARTHA  (rises).  Vel,  he  tole  me  dot  he  luffed  und 
voman  in  Chermany,  und  long  bond  de  time  de  lilocks  vus 
oud  bloomin'  his  heart  vandered  avay ;  put  he  never  come 
pack  no  more  alretty.  (Sits  down.) 

SALLIE.  Miss  Maria  Ellen  Hopewell,  what  success  did 
you  have  with  Mr. ? 

MARIA  (rises).  He  is  a  widower  with  nine  children,  and 
he  said  he  loved  me  too  well  to  ask  me  to  be  a  mother  to 
his  children ;  but  if  I  was  willing  to  wait  until  they  were 
grown  up  he  would  consider  me  as  a  candidate  for  wife 
No.  2.  (Sits  down.  Old  maids  murmur,  "That  is  some 
prospect/') 

SALLIE.    Dora,  please  report  your  success  with  Mr. . 

DORA  (rises').  I  had  no  success.  It  was  just  a  flat  fail- 
ure. I  told  him  I  could  knit  the  most  comfortablest  slip- 
pers that  ever  a  man  put  on  his  feet,  but  he  said  he  pre- 
ferred cowhide  shoes.  (Sits  down.) 

TOMMY.  I  would  have  kept  my  love  affairs  to  myself, 
Dora  Doolittle. 

LUELLA.     Order,  order. 

SALLIE.  Will  Faith  Snowmore  report  how  she  came  out 
with  Mr.  ? 

FAITH  (rises).  He  told  me  confidentially  that  he  loved 
all  women,  and  as  soon  as  he  could  decide  which  he  loved 
the  best  he  would  call  again,  but  he  has  not  done  so  yet. 
(Sits  down.) 

SALLIE.  Will  Julia  Jones  report  what  her  experience  was 
with  Mr.  ? 

JULIA  (rises,  very  demure).  I  think  I  would  rather  not 
tell. 

LUELLA.  Oh,  you  have  to  tell  if  you  belong  to  this  club. 
That  is  one  of  the  rules. 

JULIA.  Well,  he  said — oh,  I  hate  to  tell  it.  He  said  I 
was  as  sweet  as  a  bunch  of  honeysuckle,  and  if  I  would  kiss 


22  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

him  he  would  make  me  his  wife ;  that  he  would  never  marry 
any  woman  without  having  kissed  her  first. 

SALLIE.    Did  you  kiss  him  ? 

JULIA.  No ;  my  mamma  always  taught  me  to  be  modest 
and  to  never  allow  a  man  to  kiss  me  before  marriage — that 
it  was  an  unpardonable  sin.  (Sits  down.  Old  maids  all 
say,  "Well,  I II  kiss  him;  in  a  hurry,  too.") 

SALLIE.  Will  Maud  Hopeworth  give  us  her  report  on 
Mr. ? 

MAUD  (rises).  He  told  me  he  was  a  natural-born  female 
hater.  (Sits  down.  Old  maids,  "Let  us  all  set  the  dog  on 
him.") 

SALLIE.  Will  Mary  Elizabeth  Smith  report  her  trials 
with  Mr. ? 

MARY  (rises).  Wall,  you  see,  I  hain't  had  no  trial  with 
him.  He  comes  to  see  me  twist  a  month  and  stays  for  tea 
and  eats  six  gingersnaps  and  drinks  three  cups  of  tea,  and 
says  he  has  a  perfectly  lovely  time,  so  I  hope  he  will  pro- 
pose. (Sits  down.  Applause.) 

LUELLA.     As  long  as  he  likes  gingersnaps  there  is  hope. 

SALLIE.  Will  Viola  Longfellow  give  us  her  report  on 
Mr. ? 

VIOLA  (rises).  He  said  he  could  love  me  if  I  would 
give  up  my  cat,  and  I  just  told  him  to  love  me,  love  my  cat, 
and  drove  him  off  with  the  broomstick.  (Sits  down.) 

SALLIE.  Will  Lucretia  De  Witt  give  her  report  on  Mr. 
of  Jonesville? 

LUCRETIA  (rises).  He  rode  over  from  Jonesville  twice. 
Once  it  was  so  cold  he  did  not  get  thawed  out,  tho'  I  rubbed 
his  hands  tenderly,  and  the  other  time  it  was  so  hot  he 
nearly  had  a  sunstroke,  and  I  had  to  keep  cold  towels  on 
his  head,  so  I  guess  he  forgot  to  propose,  and  I  keep  hoping 
the  weather  will  be  more  favorable  next  time.  (Sits  down.) 

SALLIE.  Lucy  Rosebud,  will  you  kindly  give  us  your 
report  about  Mr.  - 

LUCY  (rises).  He  sent  me  red  roses  for  nearly  a  year 
and  asked  me  if  I  understood  the  language  of  flowers,  but 
I  don't.  Does  anybody  here  know  what  red  roses  mean? 
(Old  maids  all  yell,  "Love.") 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  23 

LUCY.  Well,  I'll  telegraph  him  to-night  and  see  if  I  can 
get  him  on  the  string  again.  (Sits  down.  Mad  applause.) 

LUELLA.  Will  all  the  members  of  the  club  stand  while 
we  repeat  our  club  verse?  (All  stand  cmd  repeat  together.} 

Man,  man,  man — catch  one  as  you're  told, 

Little  man,  big  man,  fat  or  tall, 
Bachelor,  widower,  young  or  old — 

Just  any  kind  of  a  man  at  all. 

LUELLA.  Let  us  repeat  it  again  very  softly.  (All  repeat 
softly. ) 

Man,  man,  man — catch  one  as  you're  told, 

Little  man,  big  man,  fat  or  tall, 
Bachelor,  widower,  young  or  old, 

Just  any  kind  of  a  man  at  all.     (All  sit  down.) 

Great  pounding  heard  outside.     LUELLA  goes  to  the  door. 

LUELLA  (looks  out).    What  do  you  want  here?     (Voice 
answers,  "Is  this  the  Old  Maids'  Club  of  (name  local  town). 
LUELLA.    Yes,  it  is.    What  do  you  want  ? 

BETSEY  enters,  all  spattered  with  mud  and  some  on  her  face, 
carrying  a  big  old-fashioned  umbrella,  a  hand- 
bag and  a  lunch  basket.     Wears  glasses 
and  talks  through  her  nose. 

BETSEY.  Is  this  that  thar  club  the  hul  country  is  a  talkin' 
uv? 

LUELLA.  Yes,  I  suppose  it  is.  There  is  always  "some- 
thing doing  here." 

BETSEY.    Wall,  I  want  to  jine.    How  much  does  it  cost? 

LUELLA.     Five  dollars  a  year. 

BETSEY.    Wall,  that  is  a  powerful  big  sum,  hain't  it  ? 

LUELLA.  No ;  we  don't  think  so  if  it  gives  us  a  chance 
to  assume  the  flowery  yoke  of  matrimony. 

BETSEY  (reaching  into  a  deep  pocket  and  getting  a  big 
worn  pocketbook).  Wall,  read  me  yer  rules  before  I  jine. 
When  I  jined  the  Methodist  church  I  had  'em  read  the  rules 
ter  me. 


24  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

LUSLLA  (reads  out  of  record  book).  The  Old  Maids' 
Club.  Each  member  must  pledge  herself  to  be  kind  and 
patient  with  every  member  of  the  male  sex. 

She  must  contribute  her  services  to  all  sick  and  disabled 
men  free  of  charge. 

She  must  pay  her  club  dues  promptly. 

She  must  encourage  all  men  to  believe  in  matrimony. 

Each  member  shall  love  her  sisters  in  the  club  as  herself. 

She  must  solemnly  swear  to  try  to  catch  a  husband  by  fair 
means  or  foul. 

Each  member,  when  in  trouble,  shall  seek  the  advice 
of  the  President  of  the  club. 

Each  member  shall  solemnly  swear  to  love,  honor  and 
obey  the  wishes  of  the  said  President  in  all  things. 

BETSEY  (pounds  on  the  floor  ivith  her  umbrella  and  gets 
angry).  I  refuse  to  obey  anything  under  the  shining  sun 
of  Heaven  but  a  man.  I  never  seed  the  color  of  a  woman's 
petticoat  that  I  could  obey.  No,  no !  Not  Betsey  Bobinet — 
no  siree — not  on  your  grandfather's  dygeurrotype.  No ! 
Oh,  no! 

LUELLA.  Then  we  do  not  want  you,  Miss  Betsey  Bob- 
inet of  (name  local  town}. 

SALLIE  (jumps  up}.  Hold  on.  Miss  President.  Don't 
you  think  she  would  bear  reconsideration? 

LUELLA.  Who  is  President  of  this  club,  you  or  me? 
(To  BETSEY.)  What  is  your  occupation,  Betsey  Bobinet? 

BETSEY.     I  am  an  honest,  hard-working  woman. 

LUELLA.     What  do  you  do  to  occupy  your  time? 

BETSEY.  Wall,  to  be  honest,  I  hain't  clone  nothin'  much 
fer  nigh  onto  thirty-nine  years  but  hunt  fer  a  man. 

LUELLA.     Never  had  a  proposal? 

BETSEY  Nary  a  proposal,  'pnn  my  soul !  That  is  why 
1  made  up"  my  mind  to  jine  this  club.  Why,  1  rode  twenty- 
seven  mile  on  ole  Xance  to-day  ter  git  here,  and  1  am  dis- 
appinted  mightily;  but  1  can't  jine  unless  you  will  cut  out 
that  thar  obey.  That  goes  ag'in  me,  tumble. 

LUELLA.  There  is  the  door,  madam!  (Points  to  the 
door.} 

BETSEY.     So  you  put  me  out,  do  you?     Me,  Betsey  Bob- 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  25 

inet?  Me,  whose  ancestors  fit  in  the  Revolutionary  battle. 
No  sir-ee,  not  Betsey  Bobinet.  (She  unloads  her  things  and 
sits  dozvn  on  the  floor  and  prepares  to  stay. ) 

LUELLA.  Who  ever  heard  of  such  audacity  ?  Corns,  dear 
sisters  of  the  club,  let  us  arise  one  and  all  in  a  case  of  emer- 
gency and  put  Betsey  Bobinet  out.  (Begins  to  roll  up  her 
sleeves.)  I  can  fight  a  bit  when  I  get  mad. 

BETSEY.  So  can  I  when  I  git  my  dander  up!  (Rolls  up 
her  sleeves,  takes  her  umbrella  and  waves  it  over  her  head.) 
Jes'  you  come  at  me  if  you  think  my  fitin'  ancestors'  blood 
hain't  in  my  veins !  (AH  the  old  maids,  TOMMY  and  PHIL- 
LIP crowded  near  left  of  stage.  TOMMY  and  PHILLIP  act 
frightened.  LUELLA  and  BETSEY  have  a  hand-to-hand  tus- 
sle and  then  the  old  maids  help,  and  after  a  great  commo- 
tion they  put  her  out.) 

BETSEY  (yells  from  outside).  Murder,  thunder,  re- 
venge (she  pounds  on  the  door,  after  a  few  moments 
shrieks).  May  my  curse  rest  on  you  and  keep  you  old 
maids  till  the  crack  of  doom.  (All  return  to  seats.) 

LUELLA  (pounds  on  her  desk  for  order).  Dear  me,  J 
hope  we  never,  never  will  have  another  candidate  for  the 
club  while  I  am  president.  (Wipes  her  face.)  Now  let  us 
all  stand  and  sing  one  of  our  club  anthems. 

(All  sing  following  song  to  the  tune  of  "Come,  Ye  Dis- 
consolate," which  is  played  very  slowly  and  softly  on  the  or- 
gan or  piano.  The  music  may  be  found  in  almost  any  church 

hymnal.) 

LONESOME    MEN. 

Come,  ye  old  bachelors,  where  e'er  ye  languish, 
Come  to  the  garden  seat,  tenderly  kneel, 
Here  bring  your  wounded  hearts, 
Here  tell  your  anguish ; 
Man  has  no  sorrow  that  woman  cannot  heal. 

Come,  ye  old  widowers,  where  e'er  ye  are  moping, 
Come  to  the  Old  Maids'  Club,  here  to  abide, 
Here  leave  your  trunks,  lu-iv  do  your  hoping, 
Here  find  a  bride  ; 

Man  has  no  sorrow  that  woman   cannot   feel. 


26  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

LUELLA.  Now  let  us  give  our  club  "yell,"  and  don't  be 
afraid  of  being  heard.  Shout  it  very  loudly,  three  times. 
{All  old  maids  yell  these  words  three  times.} 

"Love,  dove,  matrimony, 

Sugarplums  and  kisses, 
If  he  don't  get  married 

This  is  what  man  misses." 

LUELLA.  Now,  Miss  Sallie  Brown  will  favor  us  with  one 
of  her  pathetic  poems. 

SALLIE  (comes  to  front,  makes  low  boiv  and  recites). 

LOVE'S  COMING. 

Love  comes  like  a  butterfly,  on  the  summer  breeze, 

Love  comes  with  the  birds  of  air,  fluttering  through   the 

trees ; 
It  lights  upon  the  gay  young  heart,  like  a  honey-bee  on  a 

flower, 
It  sips  the  sweetness,  with  an  art  of  subtlety  and  power. 

(This  verse  should  be  recited  very  coquettishly,  and  at  the 
end  of  it  she  executes  a  dance.) 

So  come  and  sing  and  be  gay  and  free, 

Dancing  with  flowers  of  spring, 
Oh,  come  and  skip  and  dance  with  me, 

Happiness  sweet  will  I  bring. 

Love  comes  as  the  break  of  day,  golden  and  fair  at  the 

dawn, 
It  quickens  the  heart  and  pulse  alway — and  sometimes  leaves 

forlorn, 

But  it  ever  was  sweet,  since  beginning  of  time,  and  life 
Was  never  without  it  complete,  so  come  and  find  a  wife. 

(Takes  seat.) 

TOMMY  (jumps  np  and  says  in  an  excited  manner).  I'll 
tell  you,  I  am  perfectly  astonished  to  find  so  many  good 
poetesses  in  this  club.  I  have  been  inspired  here  this  even- 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  27 

ing,  my  dear  women — inspired,  I  tell  you — and  I  am  going 
out  on  the  street  corners  of  (name  local  town)  and  tell 
the  men  to  throw  away  their  pipes  and  come  to  this  club 
and  be  enlightened  on  such  vital  subjects.  (Old  maids  all 
clap  hands  and  throw  him  kisses.) 

LUELLA  (goes  to  TOMMY,  pats  him  on  the  back).  Isn't 
he  a  darling  man  ?  Oh,  if  we  only  had  enough  to  go  around 
like  you,  Tommy,  dear  Tommy.  (Returns  to  chair.) 

DORA.     You  women  will  spoil  Tommy. 

LUELLA.     Dora,  you  never  knew  your  place  in  this  club. 

TOMMY.  Sit  down  and  knit,  for  Heaven's  sake.  If  you 
have  to  do  something,  knit,  but  don't  talk. 

LUELLA.  Please  pass  the  gum  drops.  (Git>m  drops  arc 
passed  by  SALLIE.) 

PHILLIP.  My  dear  ladies,  I  have  glad  tidings  for  you. 
it  seems  to  me  there  is  a  lot  of  good  sentiment  in  this  club 
wasting  itself  on  "the  desert  air."  Now,  I  have  been  deeply 
touched  by  hearing  of  your  experiences,  and  I  see  no  reason 
why  the  men  of  this  community  should  not  have  their  eyes 
opened.  There  is  certainly  nothing  the  matter  with  the 
hearts  of  you  dear  honorable  women,  and  it  seems  to  me 
that  all  you  lack  is  the  touch  of  youth  to  brighten  your  eyes 
and  give  the  roses  to  your  cheeks  again. 

LUELLA  (angrily).  You  presume,  my  dear  sir.  There  is 
no  member  of  this  club  over  49,  and  you  men  never  call 
yourselves  old  at  60.  Now ! 

PHILLIP.  My  dear  Miss  Primrose,  I  beg  ten  thousand 
pardons.  I  was  only  going  to  suggest  something  to 
ameliorate  your  condition  in  life. 

LUELLA.    Then  proceed  in  all  haste. 

PHILLIP.  You  all  know  that  last  year  The  Leader  sent 
me  on  a  trip  to  Central  America,  and  while  I  was  traveling 
in  the  beautiful  country  of  Yucatan,  I  found  an  old  ruin, 
which  was  said  to  have  been  a  temple  when  the  highly  civil- 
ized people  of  the  Maya  race  lived  ages  ago.  I  discovered 
a  box  made  of  stone,  and  when  I  opened  it  there  fell  out  a 
parchment  and  three  little  blue  berries.  I  took  them  to  a 
professor  on  antiquities  and  he  deciphered  the  hieroglyphics 
on  the  box  and  told  me  they  were  magic  berries,  which  the 


28  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

women  of  that  age  took  to  restore  lost  charms.  I  have  kept 
these  berries  for  the  purpose  of  giving  them  to  some  mem- 
bers of  your  gentle  sex  who  could  appreciate  their  value, 
and  I  feel  the  time  has  come.  (Takes  three  berries  out  of 
his  pocket  and  displays  them  to  the  old  maids.  Puts  berries 
back  into  his  pocket.} 

LUE.LLA.  How  kind  and  thoughtful  of  you,  Mr.  James! 
(Other  old  maids  exclaim,  "It  might  be  poison!"}  Well, 
I  am  not  afraid.  I  would  take  anything  under  the  shining 
sun  to  be  young  and  beautiful,  and  I  will  try  one  first. 

PHILLIP.  The  Professor  who  examined  these  berries 
said  that  instead  of  light  they  needed  darkness  to  bring 
about  the  chemical  action.  So  I  think  it  advisable  to  go  into 
a  dark  closet  for  ten  minutes. 

LUELLA.  I  will  do  anything  you  say,  anything.  (Great 
excitement  among  old  maids.} 

DORA.  You  better  tell  us  all  good-bye ;  the  magic  berry 
might  cause  your  death,  dear  Miss  Primrose. 

LUELLA  (great  ado  in  kissing  each  one  of  the  old  maids 
good-bye).  If  I  have  said  or  done  anything  to  give  you  the 
heartache  I  am  truly  sorry,  and  if  I  never  see  any  of  you 
beloved  sisters  again,  you  will  see  that  my  grave  is  kept 
green,  for  I  died  in  a  good  cause.  (Begins  to  weep.  Kisses 
DORA  and  VIOLA  the  second  time.  TOMMY  puts  up  his 
month  to  be  kissed.  She  makes  a  more  as  if  to  do  it,  when 
all  the  sisters  look  shocked.) 

PHILLIP.  (Comes  forward.)  Don't  you  think  you  could 
spare  me  one  sweet  little  kiss? 

LUELLA.  Yes,  I  would  like  to  ever  so  much,  but  it  is 
against  the  legends  of  this  club  to  kiss  any  man  in  public, 
unless  he  be  ^  husband  or  a  relative.  I  am  so  sorry  to  dis- 
appoint you  now,  my  dear  Mr.  James,  but  if  I  come  back 
beautiful  and  alive,  I  promise  to  kiss  you  (in  a  whisper) 
when  there  is  no  one  around.  Good-bye  again,  one  and  all. 
(Waves  her  handkerchief  to  them  and  goes  into  the  dark 
room.  Returns  quickly.)  Where  is  the  magic  berry? 

PHILLIP  (produces  the  berry.  She  swallows  it  and  is 
led  by  Phillip  into  the  dark  room.  TOMMY  throws  her  a 
kiss) . 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB.  29 

SUSAN  (now  presides  at  the  table).  While  we  are 
awaiting  the  effect  of  the  magic  berry,  Miss  Lucretia  DeWitt 
will  entertain  us  with  one  of  her  graceful  .dances.  (Some- 
one plays  a  rag-time  tune  on  the  piano  while  LUCRETIA 
executes  a  rag-time  dance  un'th  great  exaggeration.  Then  a 
pretty  young  girl  (LUELLA'S  double}  flits  across  the  stage 
from  the  dark  room.  AH  the  old  maids  go  up  to  her  and 
feel  her  and  look  her  over  and  exclaim,  "Isn't  she  beauti- 
ful," "Isn't  she  lovely.") 

TOMMY  (rushes  to  her  and  kneels  down  on  both  knees}. 
My  darling,  at  last  I  have  found  you.  I  always  loved  you 
before,  but  now  I  adore  you.  Will  you  be  my  beloved  wife  ? 

LUELLA'S  DOUBLE.  Tommy,  how  sudden.  Of  course  I 
will,  with  all  my  heart.  (  Great  show  of  affection;  he 
hugs  her  and  pats  her  on  the  face  and  chucks  her  under 
and  chin,  and  finally  she  lays  her  head  on  his  shoulder.} 
What  bliss!  (He  kisses  her.  All  the  old  maids  appear 
shocked.  VIOLA'S  cat  runs  off  the  stage.  TOMMY  and 
LUELLA'S  DOUBLE  go  to  back  of  stage  and  pay  no  attention 
to  anyone  else  until  he  does  his  dance  at  the  end  of  play.) 

DORA  (runs  to  PHILLIP).  Oh,  please  give  me  one  of 
those  wonderful  berries!  (PHILLIP  gives  her  one.}  I 
never  could  swallow  a  pill  in  my  life,  but  I'll  take  this  or 
bust.  (Makes  a  great  face  and  struggles  to  swallow  it  and 
finally  gets  it  down.  PHILLIP  rushes  her  into  the  dark 
room.  Great  excitement  among  the  old  maids.  They  begin 
to  wrangle  about  who  shall  take  the  other  berry.} 

FAITH.  We  ought  to  let  Viola  have  it,  because  she  is  the 
oldest  of  all  of  us. 

VIOLA.  If  you  would  tell  the  truth,  I  guess  you  are  the 
oldest;  as  for  me,  I  would  not  perjure  my  soul  by  telling  a 
lie  about  it.  (The  double  of  DORA  comes  shyly  across  the 
stage  from  the  dark  room.  All  the  old  maids  exclaim,  "Oh, 
what  a  wonderful  change!") 

PHILLIP  (runs  to  her).  Oh,  Dora,  dear  Dora,  I  was 
touched  by  your  fondness  for  making  slippers,  but  since  you 
are  so  bewitching,  I  must  declare  myself.  I  love  you,  Dora, 
oh,  more  than  I  am  able  to  tell.  Do  let  us  get  married  to- 
morrow. (She  puts  her  arms  around  him.  Excitemeni 


30  THE  OLD  MAIDS'  CLUB. 

among  the  old  maids.  All  gather  around  PHILLIP,  and  beg 
for  the  other  berry.  SUSAN  pounds  for  order,  but  they  pay 
no  attention  to  her.  They  hunt  for  the  magic  berry  in 
PHILLIP'S  pockets.  He  tries  to  get  away.  DORA'S  double 
shozvs  signs  of  jealousy,  and  tries  to  keep  them  off.  They 
pull  off  his  collar  and  tie,  and  muss  up  his  hair.  They  pull 
off  his  coat  and  then  his  vest,  each  trying  to  get  their  hands 
into  the  pockets..  They  snatch  the  coat  and  vest  from  each 
other:  finally  two  get  hold  of  each  sleeve  of  the  coat.  It 
tears  in  two.  Same  business  with  vest  by  two  other  old 
maids  (coat  and  vest  may  be  prepared  for  ripping).  They 
wave  the  pieces  and  all  rush  for  PHILLIP.  He  gets  away 
from  them,  grabs  DORA'S  DOUBLE'S  hand  and  rushes  off  the 
stage.  They  throw  the  pieces  of  the  coat  and  vest  after 
him-,  zvhile  all  yell,  "Give  me  the  berry."  "I  want  the 
berry."  "Ain't  he  a  brute."  Great  confusion.) 

SUSAN  (pounding  madly  with  gavel).  Order!  Order  I 
( No  one  pays  any  attention  to  her.  Someone  plays  a  wed" 
ding  march  on  the  piano.) 

TOMMY  (jumps  up  and  begins  to  sing,  dancing  in  & 
mad  fashion). 

Oh,  I  am  so  happy,  I  could  throw  myself  away, 

I  can't  keep  still  while  the  music  plays, 
To-morrow  is  my  wedding  day, 

We  invite  you  all  to  come. 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


THE  OLD  MAIDS'   CLUB. 

And  Then  I  Hoped  On 


31 


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SONGS 
WORTH 

WHILE 


SONGS  WORTH  WHILE 

For  School,   Home,  and  All   Kinds   of  Entertainments 
Price,   #1.00 

A  collection  of  159  old  familiar  songs  that 
all  the  world  loves  to  sing — American  patri- 
otic airs,  folk  songs  and  ballads  of  many 
lands,  college  and  glee  club  ditties  both  sen- 
timental and  humorous,  plantation  songs  and 
Negro  spirituals,  songs  of  the  sea,  and  a  few 
juvenile  and  sacred  numbers.  Words  and 
complete  piano  music  are  given  for  each  se- 
lection. Careful  editing  is  one  of  the  strong 
points  of  this  admirable  collection.  Printed 
on  a  good  quality  of  paper,  well  bound  to 
open  flat,  size  7  by  10%  inches,  with  a  stout  paper  cover  in  colors. 

Partial  Contents:  Ah!  I  Have  Sighed  to  Rest  Me;  Alice.  Where  Art 
Thour;  A -Roving;  Believe  Me,  if  All  Those  Endearing  Young  Charms; 
Ben  Bolt;  Bold  Fisherman;  Boola  Song;  Campbells  Are  Comin';  Co-Ca- 
Che-Lunk;  Come  Back  to  Erin;  Come,  with  Thy  Lute;  Comin'  thro'  the 
Rye;  Cousin  Jedediah;  Cniiskeen  Lawn;  Darling  Nelly  Gray;  Dear 
Evelina;  De  Camptown  Races;  Deep  River;  De  Golden  Weddin::;  Drum 
Major  of  Schneider's  Band;  Faded  Coat  of  Blue;  Flow  Gently,  Sweet 
Afton;  For  He's  a  Jolly  Good  Fellow;  Gaily  the  Troubadour;  Girl  I  Left 
Ik-hind  Me;  Good-bye  to  Summer;  Grandfather's  Clock;  Hail,  Hail!  the 
Gang's  All  Here;  Harp  That  Once  Thro'  Tara's  Halls;  Home,  Home,  Can 
I  Forget  Thee?;  I  Cannot  Sing  the  Old  Songs;  I've  Lost  My  Doggy; 
Juanita;  Killarney;  Kingdom  Comin';  Larboard  Watch;  Lily  Dale;  Listen 
to  the  Mocking  Bird;  Little  Brown  Jug;  Long,  Long,  Ago;  Mandolin 
Song;  Marseillaise;  McSorley's  Twins;  Michael  Roy;  Minka;  Mollie 
Darling;  My  Last  Cigar;  Oh,  Come,  Come  Away;  Oh,  Dem  Golden  Slip- 
pers!; Oh,  My  Darling  Clementine;  Old  Zip  Coon;  Over  the  Banister: 
Polly-Wolly-Doodle;  Quilting  Party;  Reuben  and  Rachel;  Rocked  in 
the  Cradle  of  the  Deep;  Rumsty  Ho!;  Sally  in  Our  Alley;  See.  tin- 
Conquering  Hero  Comes;  Sleep,  Baby,  Sleep;  Soldier's  Farewell;  Solomon 
Levi ;  Spanish  Cavalier;  Steal  Away;  Sweet  and  Low;  Sweet  Genevieve; 
Swing  Low,  Sweet  Chariot;  There  Is  a  Tavern  in  the  Town;  There's  a 
Meeting  Here  To-night. 


**.       . 

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•  .--*-- "~  -f 


Denison's 

Monok^ucs 

Readings 


v  -for 

Descriptive  Catalogue, 

T.S.  DENISON  &  COMPANY  Publishers 

G23   South  Wabash  Ave.    CHiCx\.<3O 


up>fbur 
-T  show  with 

Denison's  Songs 


Denison's  popular  song  list  has  been  built  up  with  a 
view  to  having  every  number  adapted  to  use  in  musical 
comedies,  minstrels,  revues,  and  vaudeville  sketches. 
Most  of  them  are  the  work  of  professional  song  writers 
and  have  been  prepared  especially  for  the  Denison  song 
programs.  The  music  is  rich  in  catchy,  up-to-date  melo- 
dies; and  the  lyrics  have  the  wide  popular  appeal  and 
the  snappy  qualities  that  make  a  Denison  song  the  hit 
of  the  show.  While  the  list  includes  a  good  selection 
of  ballads,  comic  songs  predominate,  offering  the  widest 
possible  variety  for  all  types  of  musical  shows.  Each 
number  is  published  in  regular  sheet  music  form,  for 
piano  and  voice. 

Send  for  Complete  Descriptive  Catalogue 

T.S. DENISON  &COA/VRAIMY 

623  J".  WABASM   AVC. 


